Love by financial osmosis

Posted by admin on September 24th, 2007 filed in Bangkok, Culture & customs, Expat life, Living here, People, Understanding Thais

With so many flush wife hunters arriving in Thailand these days, it’s not surprising that so many Thai women resorts to relationships with foreigners simply as a meal ticket. It’s an inaccurate reflection of the country but a very real phenemonon and so many fools fall for it and lose everything.

It never ceased to amaze me when I hear stories of some guy who got taken for a ride by his Thai wife or girlfriend and lost his life savings. This usually happens by buying a house and placing it in her name. Invariably they fall out and he has no claim to the property. The police arrive very efficiently to evict him and he finds himself penniless and the girl who seemed so sweet and loyal doesn’t have an inch of sympathy. A life of working in a Stuttgard factory is rewarded with a lost pension, while a girl who may have barely worked in her life suddenly gets a windfall beyond her wildest dreams.

This happens all the time, and no matter how good your lawyer is at reasoning that the poor fellow is entitled to half, they won’t be sympathetic. Almost always the law (which usually has two opposing interpretations) will rule in favour of the Thai – no matter how much of a scheming low-life he or she is. I think quietly they feel that if foreigners want to ‘use’ Thais to gain land here they must suffer the consequences when it goes wrong.

I’ve heard endless stories like this. In some cases the wife even had an existing husband who would periodically come and stay, sleeping on the couch and pretending to be a brother while some disrespectful foreigner is busy banging his wife in the bedroom. This ruse will go on for years until the right opportunity comes to exit with as much financial rewards as possible.

But why? This isn’t the Thailand or the Thais we all know and love. Well, there are two aspects to this. Firstly, many of these men are naïve, heart struck and simply reckless with their assets. While they might have insisted on pre-nuptials when marrying their first wife, they are deceived here by the sweet Thai smile. Most of them get off the plane and are married within weeks, having turned over their life savings to a girl they barely know. What fools! The other thing is, most of the girls they end up marrying are working class girls where morals come a distant second to financial improvement.

This is the main reason for much of the problem. When you are on holiday in Phuket, meeting your future wife in a karaoke bar there is simply no pressure about class discrimination. Actually the middle class Thai are as particular about the status of their partner on Thailand’s great big complex status ladder, as anyone in Victorian England might have been. Back in Wolverhampton or wherever, if the man’s parents had any idea about the girl’s true background they’d write him out of their will. And if you are a poor but sexy-brown Isaan girl looking to improve your life you couldn’t care less how big the social divide is. This is the prime fault of many Thai-Western relationships and leads to a rather unflattering stigma.

Another major misunderstanding, is the subtle cultural values that are only really understood when you live here full time. For the Thai have a very different set of morals to us. Ethics here are rather vague, principles are virtually irrelevant (especially if they cause disharmony in the community) and decency is something that is confined to showing respect to your elders and benefactors.

In the big wide competitive world where there are 70 million Thais, 60 million of them working class, you get ahead anyway you can, as long as you don’t upset any bigger noodles than you. There are ways around the law, and if you can get away with something then go for it. It is a society where most people are brought up to follow the rule book and not make judgements of good versus bad for themselves. Therefore, outside of their family or work or community zone they will generally do as they please as long as they don’t get caught and lose face. This is what they have been conditioned to live by. And if you can get a windfall without actually working for it, then good for you.

As usual, the same can be said of any society or country I guess, but here in Thailand there is no such thing as ‘naming and shaming’. Accountability and fairness depends on how well you have manipulated the system. And at the very heart of the matter, if you are 100% Thai in Thailand you have the right to your land and country even if it means swindling a crazy foreigner.

I suppose too you should consider the women’s side of the argument. In her best Thai way she makes herself available to a man and is willing to wash his feet, tolerate indiscretions and simply play a secondary role. But she expects financial security in return. Foreign men love Thai and Asian women for their dutiful manner, youthful beauty and passiveness. Thai women love foreign men for their money, sense of responsibility (certainly compared to working class men), Western appearance, and willingness not to judge a girl by her class. But she has a profound responsibilty to herself and her family to gain financial security for all and is willing to do anything to achieve that. Love and reasoning simply don’t fit into the equation.

In the years I have lived here I have found that the men who have taken the time to understand the different levels of ‘breeding’ here, and patiently avoid common places that potential wives are found (ie shop attendants, bar girls and so on), have eventually met decent, hard working middle class girls who aren’t like this at all. The girls have made themselves financially independent and expect a loyal responsible husband. These relationships seldom fall apart, and though they have their misunderstandings, any disputes are settled on equal terms and understanding.